Are you a lighthouse parent?

I'm trying to be

I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. Hovering is guaranteed to irritate a teenager.

And tiger mom? Definitely not. I can’t be convincingly strict while holding a cupcake and asking for a hug.

Free-range parent? Maybe … but only ‘til it starts getting dark.

Lighthouse parenting, on the other hand, is a child rearing style I can aspire to.

I discovered the concept when my husband printed out a little chart he’d come across on the internet. Comparing lighthouse parenting to helicopter parenting, the chart kept us focused on the kind of parents we want to be when we found ourselves freaking out about the ubiquity of nicotine vaping earlier this year.

Then I started hearing the phrase lighthouse parenting everywhere. There was an article in CBC News recently, and another in The Atlantic. But where was the light coming from? When I started around looking for the source, I discovered Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s book, Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust.

Ginsburg, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist, has spent his career focusing on resilience and mental health. I think he coined the phrase lighthouse parenting—but others are using it without crediting him, so I’m not sure.

The idea is that parents should aim to be a steady, guiding light—anchored in their values to help their kids steer clear of rocky waters, but also leaving room for adolescents to navigate the waves on their own.

“As always, our challenge is in finding the right balance,” Ginsberg writes at one point. Actually, he writes versions of that statement at several points.

A balanced approach to parenting

The book is basically about balance, and I really appreciate that. I also need help finding it in the day to day job of parenting. I could use a lighthouse, and Ginsberg provides it. He states in clear terms that our job is step in when safety or morality at in question. Otherwise, we should get out of the way.

He writes: “We can create the intergenerational relationships in which we will all flourish when our teens leave our house knowing that we supported, even celebrated their increasing independence. If, however, we install “control buttons,” we may undermine our teens’ desire to maintain a close connection with us.”

I also like how Ginsberg tells stories about his own family, and offers gentle advice, but with room for personal reflection. Every parent must be true to their circumstances and values. For example, he asks questions about unconditional love: “Do you love unconditionally? Do you speak of that love? How do you show it? Does your child know how crazy you are about him?”

Since reading Ginsberg’s book, I’ve tried to think of myself as the lighthouse in my son’s life. I may not have all the answers, but I can be a calm, reliable presence as he charts his own course.

Lighting the way through substance education

The concept of lighthouse parenting has become a beacon for me as I research and write about substance education for families. In my zine, Conscious Substance Use: A Conversation Guide for Families, I explore how the lighthouse approach might apply to conversations about substances.

Like so many parents, I want my son to grow up with a realistic, informed view of the world he’s growing into. But I don’t want to lay down hard-and-fast rules or control every choice he makes. Instead, I want to give him the tools to make thoughtful, responsible decisions, and to know he can come to us for guidance—even when the questions are tough.

As a parent, I feel a constant hum of anxiety about the world my child is growing up into. With headlines full of unsettling news about addiction and overdose, it’s hard not to imagine dangers lurking around every corner and behind every link.

The thought of letting my kid venture out on his own sometimes feels impossible. Just saying the word “fentanyl” out loud can put me in a state of panic, making conversations about substances feel overwhelming.

But Ginsburg’s approach is a much-needed reminder that my anxiety is mine to manage. My job is to give my son the tools to make informed choices, not to shield him from every possible risk. Trusting in his capabilities—and in the foundation we’ve built together—isn’t easy, but Ginsburg’s words help me take a deep breath and remember that I can be a steady guide without letting fear take the lead.

Teens have their own wisdom

What makes his perspective even more powerful is that he includes the voices of teens themselves. Throughout the book, they comment on what they need and want from their well-meaning but sometimes misguided parents, reminding me that they want is guidance, not control.

“The world is a scary place,” writes one 16-year-old from Pennsylvania. “But parents have to realize they cannot hold their child’s hand through everything… Children may find themselves facing challenges their parents once dealt with when they were their age… but everyone needs to experience them on their own to get through them.”

Hearing directly from teens offers a kind of reassurance I didn’t expect; it reminds me that kids want to be trusted and capable, even as we, as parents, struggle with our fears. I don’t know if I’ve ever read a parenting book that includes the voices of children. Which surprises me, honestly—after all, who better to offer insights on what actually works than the kids themselves?

Call me a moderate mom

In the age of the internet, extreme parenting voices dominate—from rigidly controlling every aspect of a child’s life to, on the other end, letting kids completely take the reins. Ginsburg’s approach is a breath of fresh air, a reminder that balance can be just as powerful as either extreme.

Lighthouse parenting isn’t about drastic measures; it’s about being present, listening, and guiding without taking over. In a way, Ginsburg makes moderation feel revolutionary.

In that sense, Raising Kids to Thrive brings my husband and me together onto the same page. Where my husband tends to be more of a rule-maker, I’m more of a relationship-builder. The lighthouse approach gives us a shared framework—one that respects his need for structure and my desire for flexibility—so we can offer our son both guidance and room to grow.

A teen-focused parenting book

Ginsburg’s book is especially geared toward parents of teens—those tricky years when kids are testing boundaries, friendships, and yes, their relationships with substances.

For us, the teen years have meant learning how to step back while keeping communication open. Before diving into the dangers of vaping, for example, my husband and I remind each other to ask our son what he knows and thinks about it first. This simple shift—listening before lecturing—has made our talks more balanced. It’s showing our son we’re here to understand, not just enforce.

Whether it’s about substances or the ups and downs of daily life, I want my son to know that I’m here—not to control, but to guide, support, and listen. My hope is that as he moves through these late childhood years, he’ll always see our family’s light shining, a steady presence he can return to, no matter what.

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I’m offering my zine, Conscious Substance Use: A Conversation Guide for Families, as a free PDF download for new subscribers to my newsletter. This 20-page zine dives into practical, honest conversations about substance use, framed around the idea of lighthouse parenting. I hope you’ll sign up and share with friends, family, or anyone looking for a balanced, realistic approach to substance education.